OCTOBER 26, 2073 – Sixty-nine years to the day after multi-platinum punks Simple Plan released their sophomore album and mega-hit Still Not Getting Any, the now-defunct band plans a reunion tour buoyed by the unwavering obsession with their #1 website www.stillnotgettingany.com
The website has fast become the #1 dating website in America for the post-pc generation of self-described “Old People.” The members of the band, none of whom ever married, now reside at the Shady Hills Retirement Community in Bustalottachops, FL. The handsome gents were perhaps best known for their infectious brand of pop-punk in the early new millennium. With such hits as “I’d Do Anything,” “Perfect” and “Welcome To My Life,” Simple Plan sold millions of CDs (music format pre-Quadruple-Disc) and toured the globe several times over.
The website features many valuable tools and tips for dating and living, including the web’s only on-line Bingo game, the hottest golden girls, and the crown jewel-an all-access pass to the ultra-hip Soupy’s CafÃ©. Perhaps one of the reasons for the site’s popularity is former lead singer and renowned Casanova Pierre Bouvier’s raucous strip-bingo video (which has now been taken down, too many heart attacks.), with an unnamed bingo maven just half his age. Apparently that old saying rings true (not that he can hear it), Once a lead singer, always a lead singer. Pierre likes to remember with a chuckle, “She always said I called the numbers out too fast.”
Simple Plan have agreed to reform for one last tour in the summer of 2073 (Hey they’re old. It will take them that long just to get off the couch.) to give fans a peek behind the studs on their website. Chuck Comeau, former Simple Plan drummer, reiterates the band’s plan, “We will rock again not just to raise money for new bedpans, but also to raise awareness for aging citizens who quite frankly, still aren’t getting any.” Comeau, best known for his fierce backbeat while a member of Simple Plan, later became a lawyer and single handedly brought down the infamous ICPIDC (Illegal Canadian Prescription Import Drug Cartel).
One-time guitarist and former talk show host (bigger than Oprah!) Jeff Stinco is hoping to get the young Beatles to open for them, “You know, post-cloning.” Bassist David Desrosiers, always the practical one in the bunch, is nervous about being back on stage and truly rockin’ out, “Do you know how hard it is to spit your guitar pick up in the air and not lose your teeth?”
Despite their challenges, guitarist Sebastien Lefebvre is determined to remain fan-friendly, spending time with concertgoers at their merch booth, as they did so many times in the early years. “Even if I have to bring my walker,” he states. In fact, Lefebvre is no stranger to the long-faded limelight, hitting number #1 on the charts just five short years ago with the solo ballad “She Thinks My Walker’s Sexy” from the Top 10 album Can’t Fight The Fever.
Simple Plan For Bed Pans:
- 7/3 – Shady Forest, FL – Shady Forest Community Center
- 7/11 – Shady Knockers, FL – Shady Knockers Ladies Center
- 7/25 – Shady Harvest, FL – Shady Harvest Community Center