Welcome to The Debate-nado or as America calls it: The 10th Democratic Presidential Debates – taking place in South Carolina. That’s right, folks, the road to democracy now takes us through the Durrty South (you’re damn skippy that’s how you spell it) and it was a glorious mess. I have seen more orderly shark feeding frenzies. There was shouting. There was backtalk. If the candidates were children, we would have sent them to bed without dinner; instead, they get a shot at becoming president—think about that. Like you, I have been going through debate fatigue. So, focusing on the debates is a monumental effort but, as I said, this is the 10th one. So for you, dear reader, I endured the crucible of pundits, moderators, and political ads to grab the salient kernels of the event to share with you.
Please enjoy these quick takeaways:
Joe Biden: ‘Black people like me; Barack Obama said so.’
Hey, Bloomberg, apologizing for a thing going wrong; is not apologizing for doing that thing.
Note: Mayor Pete commenting on all races is him trying to walk Selma.
DRINK! Martin Luther King
Note: Elizabeth Warren is pulling Bloomberg receipts like she works at CVS.
Footnote: Apparently the real winner of this debate is gonna be MATH.
DRINK! Barack Obama
Note: The Debate Panel moderators are smart but they’re using the most Basic-Bitch-Questions.
Observation: Warren and Klobuchar are working on being the voice of reason, while the dudes are turning this into grumpy old men.
Gun Control: Joe, I’m gonna need you to make your point without dry-snitching on Bernie.
Jesus, Pete B. was in high school when Columbine happened.
Commentary: This debate would be enjoyable if they could state their points without sounding like the Real Housewives of 1600 Pennsylvania.
Hey Bloomberg, the dickhead persona was not charming when you were trying to shut down the Rec Center in Breakin’ and Breakin’ 2 and still isn’t.
Your “Frederick Douglass Plan”? Really, Pete—I guess the Sojourner Truth plan was taken.
Commentary: Why are these dudes so angry? …they should smile more…
“Life expectancy in New York has gone up during my tenure.” –Bloomberg
—Let’s ask people of color [in New York] that same question.
Commentary: ’Murica has more people in jail than China and they’re snatchin’ folk off the streets willy-billy.
Military: Warren just underhand pitched the “speak softly, carry a big stick” strategy.
Gayle King is about 5 mins from turning this debate around and going home (to kick Joe the fuck out the house).
Note: Klobuchar and Warren actually sound like they want a conversation.
Commentary: Pete Buttigieg basically just called Sanders “Che Guevara.”
As Thomas Jefferson said, “If a nation expects to be ignorant and free, in a state of civilization, it expects what never was and never will be”—and that’s from a guy who owned slaves, lots of them, like over 600 African-American slaves throughout his adult life.
For all the madness of the debates, this is what makes this country great (not the above enslavement, no, the civil discourse). And for all their antics, these candidates seek a country that is free of ignorance and just free—even Tom Steyer who like the Ghost of Christmas-things-to-pass kept showing up out of nowhere.
They want a better world—all we have to do is survive the politics.