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D20 [The Democratic National Convention 2020]: Day One – Let’s Get Ready to RUMBBBLLLEEEEE!!!!!!

Many forms of Government have been tried and will be tried in this world of sin and woe. No one pretends that Democracy is perfect or all-wise. Indeed, it has been said that Democracy is the worst form of Government except for all those other forms that have been tried from time to time…
Winston Churchill

Ushered in by Eva Longoria, in an outfit so sharp Nick Fury himself would be jealous, the DNC began their Avengers Initiative styled call-to-action to save Democracy. In a stroke of Gygaxian genius, the Democrats nicknamed the event D20. We tabletop RPG gamers using the D20 die see you.


This year’s convention went completely virtual, an obvious option with the COVID-19 pandemic ravaging America. This decision made the convention shorter with tighter programming and, I think, far more sustainable for our country’s 3-second attention. It was quite an exhilarating show to watch and came in at around 2 hours and 15 minutes. That said, I would like to give a special shout-out and genuine sadness for our tireless sex workers who could not profit during their Christmas season (political conventions). Politicians may support FOSTA and SESTA but that doesn’t keep them from profiting carnally from its unintended targets.    

Misery and politics acquaints one with strange bedfellows so, while the focus was the pandemic, the financial crisis, voter protection, and just general decency, the DNC introduced the American people to a diverse collection of the populace that was screwed by the president and the administration. A level of cronyism that would make Boss Tweed and Tammany Hall blush. The convention is like the family reunion where every branch of your family shows up, including the ones no one likes.

In this image from video, Eva Longoria, serving as moderator, speaks during the first night of the Democratic National Convention on Monday, Aug. 17, 2020. (Democratic National Convention via AP)

One “cousin” of note was lifelong Republican and Buckeye state mascot understudy John Kasich, former governor of Ohio. At the same time, his support for Joe Biden was more a practical one borne out of a moral imperative to save Democracy and the Republic. Kasich underlined the reason the current POTUS was unfit. Over the next four days, expect to hear that message often. From his disappointment in the president to the palpable disgust at his supporters, Kasich painted a picture so salty that the state of Utah may consider making him a satellite member of the Bonneville Salt Flats. I pretty much waited for him to start yelling, Sam Jackson-style: It’s time to get this Muthafuckin’ President off my Muthafuckin’ Democracy. 

The rather genius aspect of the event was the character editorial videos, humanizing the issues and highlighting the theme that United we stand; Divided we fall. From former Trump supporters, who felt betrayed, to Kristin Urquiza, who spoke of her father Mark Anthony Urquiza, a Trump supporter who trusted the president’s word about the pandemic and succumbed to the illness after being on a ventilator for five days. Ms. Urquiza, in her straight-to camera appearance, stated that the death of her father was the fault of the president’s lies and incompetence. She punctuated her appearance with the haunting phrase, “The only pre-existing condition [my father] had was voting for Donald Trump.”

Bernie “Walmart Doc Brown” Sanders assumed the full mantle of party unifier and in-my-day speaker on the failure of America to stop the burning of the tapestry of Democracy. Bernie’s call-to-arms reminded us of the big-picture issues that we need to see. Someone must have slipped some whiskey in his morning pancakes because he called out America’s failures in a historical context. He called on all of the Bernie allies to understand not-voting or protest votes are a way to ensure that Donald Trump will surely win the electorate. The TL;DR version of his speech is: Vote him out of office because, in my day, everyone who acted like this was either jailed or killed in a bunker with their mistress.

L–R: John Kasich, Michelle Obama, Bernie Sanders from D20

And like the Dahomey Amazons of Benin, “Michelle Obama came through like a big sister telling the American family why the person who is supposed to be our partner [Trump] ain’t shit. (unfortunately, at the moment, calling the police is risky).” She spoke of honor, anger, and the road to success. Once again, she brought up the questionable phrase “When they go low, we go high” and expanded on it. Personally, I like going lower so I can take their kneecaps out. The former First Lady explained going high meant taking a stand, rising against the dying of the light—it was poetic and powerful, reminding us that being better than injustice does not come from using the same tactics. And that, people, is why I should never be president. I would be the #PettyPotus. Mrs. Obama spoke of the lack of empathy of the president, citing the greed is good mentality, children in cages, pepper-sprayed protestors for a photo op. She drilled down on the multiple deaths of people of color by police brutality with the most recent examples that included threats against people of color living their best lives while being Black and the deaths of Breonna Taylor and George Floyd.


That was day one, emphasizing the stated thesis for the convention of America: We The People: United Together. The DNC, in an effort to look aware of the challenges we are facing, doubled-down on what we have to fight against: the pandemic, financial turmoil, inequity in health care, and racial injustice—all of which are worsened by a man, who based on the number of times his lack of empathy was cited, sounds like a sociopath. Through him, the America that once was dedicated to the soul is now dedicated to the sale. Our Democracy is on an auction block, run by a bloated salesman selling Gremlin cars at BMW prices. I hear he also sells clothes for the naked pet rock.

To be continued…


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