Basslines and Protest Signs Part 32: Rhyming on the Right

By | October 30, 2019 at 4:00 PM
Kanye West (photo credit: Jason Persse)

A couple of weeks ago, inspired by the recent and heart-warming resurgence of the Dixie Chicks, we wrote about the country artists who are, sometimes surprisingly, left wing if not entirely liberal. But of course every yin has a yang, and as odd as it might be to learn that Garth Brooks is a leftie, it’s equally off-putting to discover that there’s a whole conservative hip-hop scene.

Maybe it shouldn’t be that surprising. If Kanye has taught us anything over the past year or so, it’s that we shouldn’t assume anything or take anything for granted. But we knew that Kanye was an insane person — the hip-hop equivalent of a Johnny Rotten who will say things, even wear a MAGA hat, to get a reaction (as he did on Saturday Night Live, disgusting the cast in the process). It doesn’t make it right (not by any stretch of the imagination) but there’s a certain amount of eye-rolling that goes on when Kanye’s name gets mentioned.

“You don’t have to agree with Trump but the mob can’t make me not love him,” West once Tweeted. Again, major eye roll.

Ditto Kid Rock, the big ol’ lunkhead who started life in rap before shifting over to some nasty, bastardized version of country when he realized that he could milk the flag-wavers for all they’re worth. At one point, Rock was posturing as if he was going to run for senate himself — a terrifying prospect. That turned out to be a joke…but when we’re living with a reality TV star president, was it so unrealistic?

Kid Rock with Kellie Pickler and Zack Brown (photo credit: Chad McNeeley)

In 2016 Rock told Rolling Stone, “I’m digging Trump. I feel like a lot of people, whether you’re a Democrat or a Republican, feel like if you get Hillary or Bernie, or you get Rubio or Cruz or whoever, there’s going to be the same shit. Has that much fucking changed when anyone’s in office, whether it’s been a Republican or a Democrat in office, in our lifetime, anyway? I haven’t really seen this big, like, fucking change. Obviously some people fucked up. [Laughs] That’s a long debate. My feeling: let the motherfucking business guy run it like a fucking business. And his campaign has been entertaining as shit.”

A year earlier, he spoke to the same magazine about the subject of gun control.

“Getting rid of them is not the answer. The guy who got Osama bin Laden was on Fox News. His daddy raised him in Montana, hunting, fishing. He got it from hunting. What that kid knows is fucking valuable. Shooting 200 yards is hard. To be able to make 1,000-yard shots? I’m glad we have some people like that on our side.”

So, ok, you haven’t learned anything new yet. Kid Rock and Kanye West are jack-asses. Dogs chase cats, etc. But are you aware that there are other underground rappers spewing lyrics explicitly about conservatism? We probably shouldn’t be surprised, right? There are so many lunatics in the world that, if you can imagine something, it’s probably on the internet. Also unsurprising — they’re usually white.

Let’s start with the utter wretchedness that is The Young Cons — two pseudo-alphas dressed in suits who almost certainly did terrible things to people at frat parties. They look like the Trump sons taking part in a prank. They look like that recent scene in the show Succession when Jeremy Strong’s character Kendall Roy rapped for his father at his birthday party. Absolutely and completely awkward to the point that you want the ground to open up and swallow you to save you from watching them. Yet you can’t look away. It’s car crash rap.

Bill Maher mocked them on his show, and rapper Ol’ Dirty Needle gave them a tongue lashing. But you don’t really need to do anything other than hear them for yourself. Besides the fact that they’re terrible rappers — flat-as-a-pancake delivery and all of the vocal dynamics of Bob Dole — the couplets are diabolical.

“I’m 6’9”, head and shoulders above the rest, liberals playing checkers, I’m playing chess,” says tall dweeb Stilts.

OH SNAP, you got us.

It gets worse. There’s a guy who raps under the name Hi Caliber who was actually funded by FreedomWorks as they attempted to appeal to a younger crowd. His song “Patriotic People” is predictable dogshit and badly executed. 

“Liberalism is like a cancerous tumor — just look at Harry Reid, Pelosi and Chuck Schumer,” he raps, highlighting the fact that he’s vile.

The Powdered Zombies feature Steven Crowder and Chris Loesch in their ranks (Loesch’s wife is the spokesperson for the NRA). They have performed their song “Mr. America” at conservative rallies. This shit is like bad Kid Rock. Yep, that’s what we said.

We’ve saved the worst for last though. Prepare yourself for the Joe Dirt wannabe that is Baked Alaska and his lyrics that start off nationalist and find him wallowing in explicit racism by the end. 

First of all, he looks like Dog the Bounty Hunter had a baby with a Duck Dynasty dude. “Build the wall, it just got ten feet higher,” he sings through autotune nastiness on “MAGA Anthem.” That not enough?

“I just wanna make America great, I just wanna have a Trump steak on my plate.”

Feeling ill yet?

Real name Tim Gionet, Baked Alaska likes sending gas chamber memes to Jewish people on Twitter and uses the hashtag “altright” in his videos but denies that he’s
a nazi.

Whatever, douche.