This election season has seen its share of intense highs and lows, rampant disinformation (THEY’RE EATING THE DOGS!), and dangerous rhetoric surrounding abortion rights, along with real challenges that demand our collective resolve. With the 2024 Presidential Election less than 30 days away, Vice President Kamala Harris and her running mate, Governor Tim Walz, are leading the polls over former President Donald Trump and J.D. Vance. However, the too-close-for-comfort, razor-thin margins of the 2020 election and the tumultuous 2016 result, where Trump claimed the presidency without the popular vote, which went to Hillary Clinton, it is absolutely crucial to vote this November 5, 2024. Enter Cards Against Humanity.
Today, Cards Against Humanity sent out a subscriber email to their “horrible friends” with the subject line: Cards Against Humanity Pays You to Give a Shit.
In the email, the satirical party game company shares, “Last election, almost half of Americans didn’t vote, and we think that’s fucking bullshit. They owe America an apology.”
“So, starting today, Cards Against Humanity will pay for that apology. We’re offering America’s bluest non-voters up to $100 if they publicly apologize, make a step-by-step voting plan, and tweet ‘Donald Trump is a human toilet.’”
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The email continues, “We’re trying to pay tens of thousands of swing-state non-voters to do this—enough that it could actually swing the election. So help us raise cash to un-fuck America by getting our all-new 2024 Election Pack, featuring 30 fresh cards about this batshit election. 100% of profits fund apologies.”
“This whole thing should probably be illegal—so quick, give us your money before they change the law!”
They sign off the email, “Trump sucks gorilla balls, Cards Against Humanity”
In addition to the email to all of the company’s “Big Sexy Voter[s],” they launched a website— apologize.lol —yes, you’re reading that correctly. Across the site, they go more in detail about the turnout of the 2020 election, stating, “Four years ago, half of you didn’t vote. We don’t care what your excuse was—My vote doesn’t matter! Both sides are the same!—it all sounds like WAAAHHHHH! to us.”
The company is specifically calling upon blue-leaning non-voters in swing states, especially those in Wisconsin, Michigan, Pennsylvania, Arizona, North Carolina, Nevada, and Georgia.
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If you or your blue-leaning non-voter friends and family are not currently registered to vote, please ensure that you are registered by visiting vote.org and make a plan to vote on Tuesday, November 5, 2024. The Democrat ticket for President and Vice President of the United States is a vote for Kamala Harris and Tim Walz. Be sure to also brief yourself on your local candidates that will be on the ballot in November.
Additionally, if you want to have an extra dose of fun, you can purchase a Cards Against Humanity PAC and make Elon Musk pay for it. HOW?! Well, here ya go:
If you’re a registered voter in PA, GA, NV, AZ, NC, WI, or MI, just type your name into this dumb website for his PAC, put “[email protected]” as your referrer, and they’ll be legally obligated to pay us $47. The more people who do this, the more Musk money we’ll get to un-fuck America. If he doesn’t pay up, we’ll sue him again.”
Happy Voting!