On Wednesdays, Santa’s Elves Burn Pop Culture

By | December 21, 2016 at 3:00 PM

It’s Christmastime once again, and there’s no doubt Santa’s elves have been busy crafting presents (or just ordering them from Amazon) for good kids around the world. Of course, as 2016 has shown us quite a few times, not everyone is deserving of the iPhone/xBox/hoverboard of their dreams—and the elves have something to say about that too.

We’ve hijacked the holly jolly gift maker’s Burn Book, and we’re putting everyone in it on blast. (But we still totally qualify for the nice list, right?)

 

From The Desk Of : Alex SparkleBear

– Head Elf In Charge of You Been Bad and Now We Have to Spank You-

Amy Schumer,

For the last time, we don’t need any more elves this year—our Christmas cracker jokes* are lame enough already.

*(calm down y’all, Christmas crackers are a kind of toy filled with token bad jokes in Britain. Santa doesn’t just deliver to America. Shocking, we know.)

Meghan Trainor,

Your name is “No”

Your sign is “No”

Your number is “No”

Well guess what, Meghan? From all of us who had to put up with hearing this song 5 million times in the workshop—are we gonna bring you presents this year? “Nah” to the “Ah” to the “No”, “No”, “No”.

 

Spiderman,

This just in: Seeing as you keep giving us the same movie over and over again, this Christmas we’re giving you the exact same Fitbit you asked for last year. Maybe this time you won’t get bored of it after five minutes, just like we did with Spiderman no. 348572034.

From The Desk Of: Brett Candyfrost

– Chief Elf in Charge of Oh Hell No –

Negan,

If you asked for a baseball bat for Christmas 2015, and then wrapped it in barbed wire, you just might be on the naughty list this year.

Kanye,

Believe it or not, Mr. West, Christmas isn’t your birthday. No gifts for you.

 

Kid Rock,

Thanks to you, you overgrown child, people have been putting confederate flags and those Godawful Trump t-shirts you’re selling on their letters to Santa. The workshop looks like Tallahassee City Hall.

From The Desk Of Emillie Mittenbox

– Managing Elf of the What Do I Get Out of It Department –

Kanye West,

I’m not really sure what you think we do here, but we just can’t deliver you to yourself this year, last year, or any of the other 37 years you’ve asked. I have, however, left a shiny platinum (plated) bow for Kim to stick on your forehead on Christmas morning. So y’know, hopefully that works.

 

Kylie Jenner,

Gurl, you know us elves hooked you up with ponies, castles, lips, cheekbones, hips, and actual imaginary friends like Tyga, um, Tiger in the past, so could you please leave just a few lip kits under my tree? (PS “Trick” would look dope with my uniform.)

 

“Can You Tag” Memes,

Just gonna assume anyone participating in such a cruel meme wasn’t getting to the naughty list fast enough and really wanted some coal this year.

 

The producers of Pretty Little Liars and Supernatural,

Because you don’t know how to stop killing and reanimating a dead horse, we don’t know how to deliver your presents. We’ve already fulfilled your wishlists over and over for three to five extra seasons, so instead we’re sending you your personally updated resumes. It’s time.

Jay Z,

We heard Lemonade. You might have 99 problems but unwrapping gifts won’t be one.